Rant: On inaccessible Movie Reviews

Whether or not I may be admit it – I am a Hindi movie buff to the core – the kind who lip syncs all the songs while in the theatre, berates people for not having the requisite propensity to suspend disbelief (at least the amount required for Hindi movies), shed tears on all the mushy scenes – much to the amusement of women who are with me (when they are there that is), view ‘songs slacken the pace of the movie’ as an oxymoronic statement, can’t start work on a Friday till I have read the latest reviews on Rediff – the works.

So, you can imagine my happiness, when I watch a good Hindi movie – like ‘Jab We Met’ which I saw recently. Notwithstanding the lame title – the movie is really good – with a stellar performance by Kareena, and a decent one by Shahid (the man seems a bit self-conscious while acting though). Was reading the reviews in HT and TOI yesterday and was just appalled at what Khalid Mohammed has written. I have always found his movie reviews a bit inaccessible, and unnecessarily strewn with useless metaphors and stupid imagery, but his review of Jab We Met takes it to a new high!

Sample this, the first paragraph: 

Get this. Since his life’s in a slump, he’s about to jump from a train going bump-bump. Just then, this jabber-blabber girl yells, “Hang on dude.” Suicide prevented.

After that, with every new mention of the protagonists, he reaches higher levels of inanity:

“guy , just jilted in ishq vishq”, “the retentive, moan-groan boy”, “Mr Jilted”, “chirpy-chirpy-cheep-cheep girl”, “Miss Chirpy”

which he then tops us with horrendous attempts at rhyming and atrocious alliteration:

“The two strangers on a train bicker as the plot becomes thicker”, “Timbuctoo or Timbucthree”, “screwball shenanigans”, “Dumb dumb diga diga “, “So far, so yahoo”

Not to mention, my issues with his review, with his elitist rants “Bhatinda uncles, aunties and grandpas … poor cousins of the Dilwale Dulhaniyas.”, just being out of sync with the times “mandatory end-credit disco-flash item is as boring as Rakhi Sawant’s media quotes.” [Does he even know how popular Mauja hee Mauja is, and can he not see how *hot* Kareena is looking in that number] (unless this is his own brand of sarcasm), and failure to view characterisation in the context of the movie, calling Tarun Arora “horrendous” – who I think does a great job as a stereotypical Jat – and creates awesome situational humor.

 

Dude! it’s a movie review – don’t turn into a lameass attempt at writing literature (He’d be atrocious at that too though: I can already imagine his version of The Outsider – “Mother bumped bumped today ya ek din pehlay – I don’t remember. Dumb Dumb diga diga really.”) Please, stop taking yourself too seriously – I mean this man makes Nihkat Kazmi seem like a genius.

HT, please hire a new movie reviewer – poach from Rediff, tip: Raja Sen is obnoxious, judgemental, highly idiosyncratic, unpredictable to the point of shock (he subjected his readers a photo of his Venom tattoo) and possibly even unsuited for reviewing Hindi films (he doesnt employ the right degree of ‘suspension of disbelief’) – but at least his reviews make for great reading.

Also, HT, your filmi gossip section in HT City, called ‘Under Honey’s Hat’ – which I am sure is ghost-written by Khalid Mohammed should be discontinued. Or at least, stop ending every third article with ‘such is life dearies’.

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2 thoughts on “Rant: On inaccessible Movie Reviews

  1. asif says:

    hey, you should try Johnny gaddar also, if you ahven’t already. it’s really well made.

    -a-

  2. Ashish says:

    Yeah, saw that one – really kickass – ended up having an hour long discussion with Bewda after that about the movie in general and its ending. I think the ending is terrific btw.

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